One year ago today I woke up with contractions and no matter how much I pushed my belly I couldn't get Koen to move. We rushed to the hospital knowing things weren't great, but in my mind the worse case scenario was me being admitted. On Memorial Day last year we saw that Koen's heart had stopped beating, we knew no cause, had no warning. Our son had died before we were able to meet him and delivery would occur soon.
That day and all it's events are burned into my memory. I have replayed it so many times in my head, far more than any other day of my life. May 27, 2013, was the the day of Koen's birth, death, and the only physical time we will ever spend with our son. It was a horrible day, a beautiful day, a day that fills my heart with love, a day that shattered my heart into pieces, the only day I was able to tell my second son I loved him while looking at him in the face, the only day I kissed his sweet face and held his hand, it was a day that changed our lives forever. How I wish I could spend Koen's birthday watching him eat his first taste of cake, instead of visiting his grave. Even though I have a third little love growing inside me, there is a space in my heart that only belongs to Koen. He made me a mom for the second time, stole my heart in a whole different way, will forever be my baby, and has changed me and taught me in more ways than I ever knew were possible. He is with me in my thoughts everyday, but I miss having his earthly presence in my home. I always will.
In just the last few weeks I have learned of multiple instances of how Koen's story has stretched beyond just my Facebook friends. His story has touched people's hearts and provided comfort. My Koen lives on. I started writing this blog for myself. I needed a space to dump the thoughts spinning in my head. The thoughts that I was unable to speak outloud to anyone but Kevin, and he needed his own space to heal without having to pick me up off the floor each night. I am the type of person who doesn't like to burden others. I prefer to be the listener of others hurts, not necessarily the sharer of my own. It was hard for me to share verbally, even to those who were willing to listen, because it was just such heavy memories and emotions. It was a way for me to share with my many dear friends without editing myself. It was a way for me to ensure that Koen would not be forgotten, that he would be remembered as a part of our family. This blog journey has surprised me. This last week over 800 people read one of my posts and the blog itself has almost 20,000 views. These numbers don't matter, are not my driving force, not something I focus on, but it shows me that my Koen's little legacy will live on. Koen touches his Mommy's heart and the hearts of many others. Happy first birthday my Little Muffin. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.
I am Jackie.