The day after Koen's funeral I felt the intense need to somehow keep him close. Even if I couldn't have him in the bedroom across from mine, or in a bouncy seat in my living room, I still needed him here. I knew he wouldn't leave our thoughts, and I didn't want him to just disappear from our lives. I decided I wanted both my boys in our bedroom so I could look at them every night and every morning when I woke up. By the grace of God, Hackett had captured my pregnant belly, and we had a few other pictures of Koen's memories snapped with our cell phones and a few pictures the nurses had taken at the hospital. With the help of my dear friend, Bridget, who edited my photos, we brought beauty to the few memories and things we had from Koen. I found a new Willow Tree figure for Koen. It is of a mother holding her tiny baby so close and it depicts the moments I had with him. It's called "Guardian: Love and protect thee, forever". I will love my Little Muffin forever, I only wish I could have been able to protect him. Today we were able to hang these up in our room, and I just have to write some scriptures on the blue and green plaques. Having these up has made me feel so happy, and also brought me to tears.
I wanted to wear something that kept Koen close to my heart. This precious little pendant came in earlier this week. The woman who helped me at the jewelry store thought it was an anniversary present, when I told her that I had lost a baby her eyes welled up with tears and she told me she had lost two of her own. So many have faced this same heartache, there is comfort in that, but really even more sorrow. I pray that maybe I can help the broken hearts of others down the road. Maybe in doing that work it will be another way to help me feel close to my Koen.
I am Jackie.