Clearly God's desire for Kevin and I is to raise boys. Something I willingly accept and embrace. We learned yesterday that our Little Pumpkin is a boy. We pray that Tobin Victor will grace the earth and our home with his presence. We love him so much already. I have been feeling him move so much, more than I recalled with Hackett and Koen. I wasn't sure if it was because I am so acutely in tune with every feeling in my body this time, but the ultrasound confirmed that Tobin is a wild man. He was wiggling all over and so sweetly sucking his thumb.
The night before the ultrasound as we were lying in bed, I was in tears. It seems it has been a flood of bad news and possible issues, and I was so nervous that the ultrasound may uncover even more. I was also concerned about my emotional state when we learned the gender. If we were to be blessed with a girl, it would come with some guilt. We would have never had that experience if we hadn't lost our boy. I felt that if the news was a boy, it would be difficult, because it would feel like a Koen replacement. I am not even sure how to put this into words so that you can understand my heart. My desire is for this baby to stand alone, have its own identity, be loved for who it is, and not what was lost. This is my desire my feelings are still so interwoven. With time I believe the knots will work themselves out, but for now this is how it is.
When we arrived for the ultrasound, the technician referenced that in just 6 weeks time so much had occurred with us. We have gotten to know her well, seeing her often in the 15 months. She knew we were anxious, and was able to set our minds at ease again and again, as each measurement was "perfect" and "beautiful". Upon further review of our ultrasound from the ER it is believed the bleeding was caused by a clot, and not the pulling away of the placenta from the uterus. While clotting is not good, it is better news. Even better is that the area where the clot was near my placenta looked perfect and no evidence of any new clots was present. Kevin and I were beaming, even before learning the gender. She made her way down to that area and said "you are having a boy". Kevin said he saw it right before she said it and knew. I was so focused on our full of life baby I was not focused on the small details. I am so thankful that when we heard it was a boy the only emotional response I had was one of pure joy. I didn't even cry, something I have done often in that room. I was just so happy. Our baby was healthy, things looked good, and I was going to be blessed with another mama loving boy.
We picked up Hackett after school with blue balloons and a blue teddy bear in our car. He was so sure it was going to be a girl, but was hoping for a boy. When he saw the blue he shared our same beaming joy. He wanted to share the news with his classmates today and created his own shirt before bed to make his announcement. He slept with the blue teddy bear last night, which he name bluey bear, and took that to school today as well. On the way to school this morning Hackett asked, "Mom, if we lose Tobin, maybe this could be our Tobin Bear?" My heart sank, we have a Koen Bear, that Hackett loves. With his t-shirt on, his excitement, and big smile, he was preparing himself for the potential loss - just like Kevin and me. You can't help, but try to protect your heart. He didn't linger in that place though, and continued on with his excitement. His teacher sent me this adorable picture of his joy filled faced today. Hackett has the strongest desire to be a big brother and I pray we will see that day in just a few months.
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