Seven years ago we rushed to the hospital with little 6-year-old Hackett in tow on the morning of Memorial Day. He waited alone in the waiting room as Kevin held my hand and we watched our doctor search for Koen's heartbeat. I labored the rest of the day and delivered my little curly topped Koen that night. We haven't touched or held him in seven years, and my arms still ache for him, my heart still misses him, my eyes miss watching him grow, my ears wonder what his giggle would sound like, and my lips miss kissing his curly topped sunshine smelling head.
I awoke longing for him today, and spent a lot of the day in my own head reliving the day, as I do often. Koen's brief life brought mine into perspective. When I think about him, I am a better mom, a better person. Watching my earthly boys today through my Koen lens made me even more acutely aware of how fast the time goes. Hackett was just a little older than Tobin is now when I had Koen, and in a seven year blink his voice is deep, his face more man chiseled, while standing he can look me right in the eyes, and his arms are on top when we hug. As Hackett and I talked today about our summer plans that we will postpone until next summer, he said "I'll be heading to high school next year". I was trying to keep a lid on my emotions today, but the thought of him being that grown up, and today even more aware of how fast time flashes, a tear rolled down my cheek. I had to say goodbye to one of my babies before even bringing him home, and the thought of watching another bird fly out of my nest, just feels like too much, especially today. But just as Koen's life brought me clarity in to so many aspects of my life, preparing for Hackett's launch gives me pause and reminds me to embrace, savor, and keep doing the work of raising him to be a kind and strong man. In another seven years he will be in college and Tobin will be 13. I will miss them saying "mom, watch this" at least a thousands times a day, because right now, in this precious moment of time, I am the girl they both want to impress. I will miss having them both in my home every night, I will even miss having them quarantined with me for months. And I will forever miss having all these little moments with Koen, because life with him went even faster. No matter the amount, it’s never enough, it’s always too fast.
I am Jackie.