Instead of grieving Koen's physical presence in my life, I grieve all the what would have beens. Instead of seeing things that remind me of Koen that pull me back to my sadness, I see things and wonder. I don't know my own child. I don't know his likes, dislikes, personality, what makes him tick, his little quirks, what he would have been, or what he would have looked like. I only get to wonder. It's not limited to baby things, I wonder about his whole life. Just like I do with Hackett - what will he be when he grows up, what will his passion in life be, what girl will sweep him off his feet - I am blessed to be a spectator in Hackett's life. I get to watch his pages turn on a daily basis. I get to watch his story unfold. Koen's book was so short. I don't get to watch his pages turn, I will never see his story unfold, I can only wonder.
I watched a video of an "epic mother and son dance" today. Something that would typically make me laugh and that is what I anticipated when I clicked on it. As soon as it started tears fell from my cheeks. The video really is sweet and funny. I think what got me is you can see the love between the mother and son, you know this isn't the first time they have been silly and laughed together, and I also saw Kevin in the groom. This dance would be way outside my comfort zone, but it is in Kevin's wheelhouse. Would Koen, the second born son like his daddy, had the same carefree zest for life and the spotlight? I wonder. I am sure I will wonder for the rest of my life. I miss him ..
I am Jackie.