Emotionally I have had a tough string of days. I have sat down to write in hope to help process. When I write, I cry, and at other times I seem to stifle the tears. There seems to be no "good" time to cry. I am working so hard to carry on. From the days following Koen's birth I made the decision to not have Hackett live under this dark cloud with me. I don't want to look back and feel like I have lost time with Hackett. I have already lost a lifetime with Koen, My days now consist of being with Hackett or being in my classroom. I put Hackett to bed and correct papers. Rinse and repeat. Kevin has been on shift now for over a month and the last two weekends has been working 12's, which is only adding to the chaos. There seems to be little time to process, little time to feel, and little time to grieve lately. I need that time. I can't keep everything all wrapped up and pretty without that time. Tears flow down my cheeks at random moments, and within seconds and I am wiping them away to answer one of Hackett's many questions in my normal mommy voice. I am nearing my breaking point. Juggling these balls in the air would be difficult under normal circumstances, but adding in the grief and the fear of the future is wearing me out. I am thankful that I have stepped back and assessed all that is swirling around me, in hopes to carve out time. The time I so desperately need.
Initially when I sat down to write today the only thoughts that surfaced were how much I ache and miss my Koen. So often this week I had thoughts and visions of holding him. Walking around, carrying him, singing to him, and kissing his sweet little head. Then the realization that it is only a dream shatters my heart. Even my arms are aching for him.
I am Jackie.