Sitting at my desk at school today, without kids in my classroom, tears were streaming down my face. I have been so busy. Morning until night kind of busy. It is a new speed for me. I am not complaining, I know it will improve, it already has. I am just trying to adjust to the many changes in my life. Last night my mom drove out to the Sleeping Bear Dunes to seek some solace and this picture is what greeted her on the beach. A heart cloud bursting from the heavens, complete with angel wings. Love from my Koen to his Oma. During a text exchange this afternoon I wrote to my mom "I miss him". I miss him so much. In this busy speed it is easy to pretend. No one knows at the school. How bizarre that is for me. Sometimes I want to just be like, "Hi, I'm Jackie, and my baby died less than four months ago." That's just not a socially acceptable way to begin a relationship with co-workers, so I keep quiet. So tonight I am writing it instead. This helps give me a voice. I can dive into my grief with my playlist streaming through my headphones, my fingers dancing on the keyboard, and tears pouring down my face. Even when I am busy - I miss him, I miss him so much.
I am Jackie.