I get to hold a promise

My arms are full, so full that I have not had time to write.  My brain is tired, so tired that I don't have much energy to think and reflect.  What a difference a year has made for us.  Last year my arms were aching and my brain was on a nonstop loop of haunting thoughts.  This morning Kevin let me sleep in and when I woke up I just laid in bed in the silence for awhile.  It felt so good to have a few moments of rested quiet. As I lay there I thought about how far we have come.  Not long ago I was riding in an ambulance, thinking that Tobin would arrive at 33 weeks.  Not long ago we listened to a NICU doctor tell us that at 24 weeks Tobin had a 50 percent chance of surviving.  Not long ago I delivered Koen's sweet little body.  

As we sit here with our amazing little Tobin, who is cute beyond words, so expressive, so easy to snuggle, and so very loved, it is hard to believe what has transpired the last 14 months.  I can barely wrap my head around it all and my mix of feelings.  Maybe it is a blessing that my brain is tired and I am busy.  It enables me to soak it in slowly, in waves, instead of all at once.  Its too much.  The happy, the sad.  The triumph, the defeat.  The joy, the heartache.  

What I know above all is that God has held us tight through the mix of emotions, has held us in our sorrow, and has danced with Koen as we all celebrated Tobin's safe arrival.  He has been there with us through it all.  When I look at Tobin's sweet face, I see that he looks so much like both his older brothers, but more importantly I see God's promise.  I see the blessing of the countless prayers said on our behalf, by our friends and family, and so many who don't even know us.  I see a miracle, that defied all the statistics.  I see a gift from God.  I see my son.  I see a precious baby that is mine, who is breathing, who sleeps in my arms and my home, who I get watch grow up, who I get to hug and kiss, who I get to have on this earth with me.  I see part of my heart.  I see a little boy who is going to grow up and do great things.  I get to hold a promise in my arms, I get to hold the living proof that God is good.  It is so overwhelming.  So overwhelmingly good.