Celebrate the Sadness
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I am okay

7/9/2013

6 Comments

 
I am not used to being such a downer.  I prefer to bring sunshine, a hug, and a good laugh to the table.  It feels bizarre to me to continue to share my sadness.  I pray that I will work through my feelings and fill in the missing pieces to Koen's story. I pray that this blog will shift from my heartbreak to one of hope.  I pray very hard for that hope and even in my sorrow I see glimmers of it.  

Today was a better day.  Even during my difficult day yesterday, I tried to rise above.  I allow myself moments to feel and grieve, but life goes on.  I still have to get up, make meals, do the shopping, take Hackett to swim lessons, clean the house, do laundry, and be a good mommy.  I have lost time with one of my sons and I don't want to look back and feel like I lost time with Hackett too.  I don't want Hackett to live under a dark cloud with me.  My faith in my almighty God, the love and support of so many of you, and Hackett's beautiful face are pulling me through.  I really am okay.  I have my moments, but I am okay.  I am trying to balance my grief, my thoughts, my mommy role to Hackett, the loss of my mommy role to Koen, normal day life, and even my happiness.  It isn't easy and feels awkward at times.  But I am okay.  The skies are grey, but once in a while I see sun peeking through.
6 Comments
Julie herron
7/9/2013 11:42:11 am

Jackie- You are such an inspiring person!

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Jackie
7/10/2013 01:40:26 am

You are too kind, Julie. Thank you for your support.

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Sheila
7/9/2013 03:09:17 pm

It's akin to an emotional heart attack...there's so much to heal from and the wounds and damage are all so new. Sweet hugs, Jackie.

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Jackie
7/10/2013 01:39:18 am

Thank you for your understanding, love, and support. xoxo

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Laurel Sorensen
7/10/2013 11:28:37 pm

Hi Jackie,
I just want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts daily. I am very proud of you for starting this blog as I agree that it is a part of your healing. From a scientific and medical standpoint it is important for you to feel, experience and talk about what has happened to you to aide in the healing. Suppressing how you feel only worsens long term issues and depression. So as a medical professional I am glad to see that you are feeling, expressing and sharing what you are going through.
As a woman, mother, and grandmother and someone who cares a great deal for you my heart is also broken. I believe that you will move forward but Koen will always be present in your life and it is always OK to have him present in your life. It is understandable and OK that you still have dark days and have to pull yourself up by the boot straps to get through what you need to do for the day. It is still early in your grief and loss and it is OK. Your faith in God has been an inspiration to me and has affected me. Please know that you inspire me and your strength helps me. You may not feel strong on some days but you are and I hope to see you someday again so I can hug you and tell you what an amazing woman I think you are.
Koen is and always will be a part of your life as he will always be a part of our lives.
I just wanted to let you know that you are in my daily thoughts and I wish you strength as you recover from this unexpected tragedy. You are in my prayers.
Love always,
Laurel

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Meredith
7/11/2013 01:33:58 am

Jackie, believe me, even now you still bring sunshine and laughter. I loved seeing you & the incomparable Hackett this week and send my love, MB

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    Author

    I am Jackie.
    I am a child of the one true King.
    I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Kevin. 
    I am a mom to my three sons - Hackett, Koen (my little angel), and Tobin. 
    I am experiencing loss, heartache, and grief.  On May 27, 2013, at 26 weeks and 6 days I went into the hospital with contractions, only to learn that my Koen's sweet little heart had stopped beating.  
    Tobin was born July 8, 2014.
    I am on a journey . . .

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