I am not used to being such a downer. I prefer to bring sunshine, a hug, and a good laugh to the table. It feels bizarre to me to continue to share my sadness. I pray that I will work through my feelings and fill in the missing pieces to Koen's story. I pray that this blog will shift from my heartbreak to one of hope. I pray very hard for that hope and even in my sorrow I see glimmers of it.
Today was a better day. Even during my difficult day yesterday, I tried to rise above. I allow myself moments to feel and grieve, but life goes on. I still have to get up, make meals, do the shopping, take Hackett to swim lessons, clean the house, do laundry, and be a good mommy. I have lost time with one of my sons and I don't want to look back and feel like I lost time with Hackett too. I don't want Hackett to live under a dark cloud with me. My faith in my almighty God, the love and support of so many of you, and Hackett's beautiful face are pulling me through. I really am okay. I have my moments, but I am okay. I am trying to balance my grief, my thoughts, my mommy role to Hackett, the loss of my mommy role to Koen, normal day life, and even my happiness. It isn't easy and feels awkward at times. But I am okay. The skies are grey, but once in a while I see sun peeking through.
I am Jackie.