These ideas have been floating in my head for weeks. I pray that God will guide my words as I type.
I am enough. As I stare at Tobin's healthy body I can't not see God's face, His love. I am far from perfect, but I am enough. The idea of being worthy of such a miracle overwhelms me. Knowing that Tobin had only a 50 percent chance of living when when I was admitted to the hospital, knowing that they were preparing for him to come, knowing that I could lose my second baby in a year, knowing now how the infection must have gotten to Koen and that my body was once again opening itself up to a silent killer, knowing that the same bacteria could not be fought off once again, and yet Tobin made it to 37 weeks. I am enough.
I feel that I fail to live up to standards set out for Christians. I fall short. I don't check all the boxes. I don't feel worthy. I don't pray as much as I should. I don't study the Word every day. I don't feel like my knowledge of the bible is vast enough to share and that often makes me question myself. I don't make it to church every Sunday. I don't, I don't, I don't. The list could go on and on. God is showing me that I am enough. I am enough, not because I have earned it by works, but I am enough because of His grace. I don't have to reach the overwhelming unattainable, to reach His feet. I am there just as I am. I am enough.
I was talking with a friend this week and sharing how I didn't pray after I lost Koen. I couldn't. For months, my only prayer was "help" or "I need you". That was all I could muster. I was so broken and shattered I didn't know what to say. I could only cry out a few words. I felt His presence all the time, but was unable to speak. Reading the bible hurt my heart, so I failed to even open it. Even then, I was enough.
Does God desire us to fellowship with Him, read His Word, praise Him, take care of His people, worship Him? Yes. But do we need to read the bible in its entirety in one year, volunteer for every opportunity that comes our way, and make sure we are perfect all of the time for Him to be there for us? No. His true desire is to have us at His feet. Coming as we are. We are enough. You are enough. I am living proof that this imperfect woman who laid at Jesus' feet was enough.
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
I am Jackie.