I have never dreamt of Koen before. No amazing visions of me rocking him or seeing him in heaven. Even in my dreams he is missing. A few weeks ago when I was crying in Koen's room, Hackett had found me there. I heard him find Kevin in the hall and whisper, "Mom's in Koen's room and she's crying." As a family we had a moment. Hackett went through Koen's things. He flipped through the pictures we have of him - some taken after his birth and some from ultrasounds. He snuggled Koen's quilt from the hospital. He went and got his Cabbage Patch Kid and wrapped him up for me to hold ... trying to provide some sort of comfort for mom. I just continued to sit in the rocking chair and cry. Kevin stared blankly out the window; quiet in his own grief. Later that night when I tucked Hackett in for bed I reassured him that I was okay. My sensitive and verbal little guy said "Mom, this may hurt your feelings, but seeing you cry was kind of weird for me. I don't see you cry much anymore." I explained that mom still cries, but typically in my own private time. I don't want him to feel like he has to fix me or put me back together. We talked about that, and also that he does not need to be sad just because I am. I am so incredibly thankful that he is so open, in tune, and honest with his feelings. That night when we said our prayers together Hackett prayed that we would both dream of Koen. Not something Hackett has prayed for before or a prayer I have ever verbalized. Hackett wants to see Koen in his dreams too. He misses the little brother he never got to have.
If I can't have Koen in my arms, I wish he would visit me in my dreams. The last two nights I have had haunting dreams, not ones of sweet reunion, but ones of panic and pain. One where I ran around a town searching for a baby I had lost, because I had accidentally dumped it in some sort of trash bin. I am still struggling to shake the very real feelings that are lingering from that one. The dream from last night is one of those quick dreams that is in a total haze and feels so real. It was still long enough to break my heart. So much so that I don't even want to share the details. These are the first dreams of this kind for me. Tonight I won't be praying that I dream of Koen, but rather that I have no dreams at all.
I am Jackie.