At church on Sunday, we were singing "Your Grace Finds Me" by Matt Redman, and while holding Tobin who had his hands raised worshiping the Lord, tears began to sneak out of the corners of my eyes. His Grace found me as I heard the sound of Tobin crying on the day of his birth and His grace was there as we stood beside Koen's grave and buried his tiny little body.
Its by His grace that I am able to make it through each day. Why I am not paralyzed in pain and fear. I am so grateful.
I think about Koen every single day, but this week he has been on my mind even more. After singing on Sunday and having the surreal moment of holding Tobin and grieving Koen, it threw me back to Koen's funeral and the miracle that is Tobin. I had a conversation with one of my dear friends this week about how I felt when we decided to try again, after losing Koen. There was so much guilt, I felt like it was a disservice to Koen's life. Like he was replaceable, in the same way that a pet may be. Like if your baby dies, you just get a new one. I was overcome with anxiety after realizing that I was ovulating. It was so severe that I called my doctor asking for a prescription, unsure how it would be possible for me to walk through another pregnancy. But by the of God, we conceived Tobin that night, and through it all He gave me a peace that I could not explain, even in the darkest of moments. It took me awhile to become attached Tobin during my pregnancy, feeling like I was somehow cheating Koen of the love that was due to him, and also the fear of experiencing the same earth shattering loss again. By His miraculous grace, we have made it. My life, my outlook, my faith, my heart, is forever changed.
Adele. She's amazing. And she's back. I have been listening to her single, "Hello", all week on repeat. I read an article today where she explained the lyrics. She's not talking to a former boyfriend, but her younger self. Tears. Death has changed me, but so has the fight for life. By grace I have made it to the other side, and even through lifelong grief, I have found joy.
I am Jackie.