I went for my six week check up today by myself. I haven't gone to an appointment alone since January. These past six months I was either in need of a driver or Kevin wanted to be there for support. Today I was all alone, and as I sat on the exam table waiting for my doctor my mind started racing. In the room next to me I could hear a mother hooked up to a fetal monitor. The sounds of the constant baby's heartbeat swept me away to another time and place. While in the hospital I waited for that sweet sound three times a day and then twice a week after I came home. The reassurance of life. I became so familiar with the song Tobin's heart sang, the fast beats of my baby's heart. I heard the doctor reassure this mother that everything looked good and I could hear the nervousness in her voice. I wanted to go and hold her hand. I know those fears so intimately. I know what it's like to have a fetal monitor bring you joy and I also know it can break your heart. Every time I was monitored I was scared to have my heart broken again. Every. Single. Time.
8/15/2014 03:59:47 am
Thank you for the support and love. I have always known this will be a forever process, but I guess wishful thinking that my feelings would be somehow easier to endure now. Even as I type this tears are falling down my cheeks, so it clearly is not. Yet another lesson, and the truth is I don't want that hole in my heart to be filled ... it's Koen's special spot and always will be.
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I am Jackie.