Koen Wayne, our Little Muffin, it has been 8 years since we held you, kissed you, said goodbye to you. I miss you. So much. My arms still ache to hold you, and how I long to kiss your sweet curly hair. Loving you and losing you have made my eyes see clearer and my heart feel deeper. What a gift you are and what a gift you gave me.
My thoughts have only been of you today, and while trying to wander through my day and thoughts, Jesus brought me this scripture:
"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can." Ecclesiastes 3:11-12
Everything, the totality of it all. The whole scope from beginning to end, not just what I can see with my human eyes. Koen's life and little legacy is beautiful. Tobin's life is beautiful, and I can't imagine our world without him. I don't understand the why, the reason, but 8 years later I can see the beauty, even amongst the ache and longing. Some day when I am walking through heaven hand in hand with Koen I will see the ripples of his short life and Tobin's life and the scope of God's work from beginning to end will become clear.
"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."
Today it is a time to grieve, and to think of you even more than normal. I will continue to live my days happy. I will continue to see you in Hackett and Tobin’s faces, and in the sky and the water and the trees. Because of you, my Koen, everything is more beautiful.
Jackie, such beautiful words and understanding. Such daily choices and permissions. I often struggle with the ‘seeing things Clearer.’ I feel like they got muddier. Yet, I do long for heaven more! Today was the last day of a long-term sub job in sixth and eighth grade English. I feel good about the job I did and this morning I looked at Hannah‘s picture and I knew she would be proud of me. I was just sad to not get too sure about his job with her. I love your writing and transparency. Many hugs to you.
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I am Jackie.