Emotional day

Today has been emotional for us. I began to research antiocardiolipin antibodies, which is the the autoimmune disease that I tested above normal for. What this means is I am more susceptible to blood clots. A large risk when positive for this is miscarriage and/or still birth. This could have been to blame, in part, for yesterday. My doctor has spoke with our specialist. Having this condition alone would put make me a high risk pregnancy. Add in my history and I am at even more risk. I was already high risk and under close monitoring, so that will not change. In 6 weeks they will retest my blood to see if my levels are still above normal. I will also now be seeing the specialist at 24 weeks, something that hadn't been planned before. My doctors have advised me to take a medical leave of absence from work, and that process has begun. I am not on full bed rest, but limited activity to reduce any chance of the placenta pulling away from my uterus - which they believe is the real cause of the bleeding yesterday that put me in the ER.

My honest truth today is that I am defeated. I am feeling low, sad, and scared. I am upset with my body. I feel my baby move and pray that I won't have to bury our little pumpkin next to our little muffin. At times today I felt physically ill and sick to my stomach. I woke early this morning with thoughts swirling through my head - so much to process. I don't plan to stay in this valley, but today it is where I reside.

We go to bed this evening with very heavy hearts. Today a sweet, loving woman, who meant a great deal to Kev and I, went to see Jesus. She is so loved by us and we will miss her dearly.