Continuing to stay put

Here I sit in my hospital bed, staring out the window at the plastic bag still stuck in the tree. I am thankful that I have made it to 26 weeks, thankful that Tobin is strong, thankful that he is measuring at 2lbs 5oz which is at 27 weeks gestation, and thankful that the issue with my cervix was caught, but this is so hard. I am trying to remain strong, keep my thoughts positive, and a smile on my face, but some days and minutes, are easier than others.

When we decided to get pregnant again, nothing like this was on our radar. My pregnancy with Hackett was a breeze, and Koen too, until that 26th week. I have been nervous during this pregnancy, but never dreamed our risks would be compounded and this high.

My cervix went from 0.95cm to 0.32cm. It is not remaining stable this week, even with medication, but is now continuing to thin. My doctor stated today that he was sure Tobin would be born premature, it's just a matter of when. He said that I could go home, but worried about our 35 minute drive to the hospital, and feared that a loss could occur while en route. His recommendation was that I stay in town two more weeks. We were free to go to a Ronald McDonald equivalent near the hospital, because he knows I want to be with my boys. It was a compromise for him. But if I go there, I would really need someone with me at all times to limit my movement, and it's just not feasible with Kevin working at Hackett at school. So I stay here, staring out at my plastic bag, where there are doctors moments away and nurses are here to help me.

Unsure if I was going to leave my doctor ordered a one hour glucose test, which I have not passed every time I have taken in. Once again, my numbers were above normal, but not crazy high. I have not spoken with a doctor yet, but know the 3 hour test is in my future. Please pray that at the very least this can be "normal".

So many of you have been so generous wanting to know if you can visit, bring me food, or if I need anything. I told Kevin last week that he could bring me a new cervix, but I am not sure if any store has that in stock. I welcome visitors, but be warned I limit my standing time so much that I look pretty wild. Food is hard, mostly because I can't reach it from my bed! I am also trying to make the best choices I can, even though candy and junk food sound great. Truth be told, I accomplish very little in my day. Somehow the hours pass, but it is difficult to focus on a book, magazine, or even a craft. I don't know how I can do nothing all day, but I do. Growing a baby and the emotional energy it takes to keep him put is just about all I can manage.

I was so looking forward to snuggling Hackett in my own house tonight and wanting to make things easier on both him and Kevin. Kevin will pick him up from school today and share the bummer news. Hackett has been spoiled these last 7 years with so much mommy one-on-one time and it makes it that much harder. Knowing that the next time I am home with him, that it is quite possible that he will have sibling, is hard for me. I planned to have some more time with just him. Hard to explain and maybe hard for others to understand, but I think it boils down to the fact that I wasn't ready mentally for Tobin to be at risk of birth right now. In my mind I still had a few months to prepare myself and my family. I love my Tobin and will welcome him with my arms outstretched so wide, but I just want him to stay put for now.

Tobin will be our last baby. We had decided that months ago. I cannot walk this journey, no matter the outcome, again. Neither can Kevin or Hackett. We need Tobin to continue to fight and it is another reason we can't take any risk. His little life is far too precious.