Celebrate the Sadness
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Christmas hurts my heart

11/17/2014

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Something about the snow on the ground and Christmas in the air has me feeling sad. This is my favorite time of year, something I can't wait for. I thought I couldn't love Christmas any more and then it got even better when we had Hackett. This weekend I felt the familiar joy and wonder of the season approaching. Today I am in tears. I am rounding up things to decorate Koen's grave. Hackett and I picked out four tiny trees this weekend and today I bought some things for me to make decorations. I realized I am trying to make his trees look like ours. I want him to have our tree, to be in our home. I want him to open presents, smile at me with the glow of Christmas lights shining on his face, make cookies with me, color pictures, sing carols. How do I possibly create that at his grave? I have presents for Hackett and Tobin purchased already, but none for Koen. My mommy heart feels like I am betraying him. Christmas seems to now hurt my heart.

I am reminded of how empty I felt last year. Of the gaping hole in my heart. How I could not even decorate the tree. I just watched Kevin and Hackett; Hackett was filled with delight and it was all I could do holding it together for him. My pain and heartbreak was so raw last year. This year I don't feel as raw, but I am still hurting, still missing, still wanting. We have the most incredible and loved baby in our home now, but I am still missing my other baby boy.

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    Author

    I am Jackie.
    I am a child of the one true King.
    I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Kevin. 
    I am a mom to my three sons - Hackett, Koen (my little angel), and Tobin. 
    I am experiencing loss, heartache, and grief.  On May 27, 2013, at 26 weeks and 6 days I went into the hospital with contractions, only to learn that my Koen's sweet little heart had stopped beating.  
    Tobin was born July 8, 2014.
    I am on a journey . . .

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