"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
This is a favorite scripture of many, myself included. A year ago I tried to cling to this promise, but it was so hard. I felt like I had experienced harm. My heart had been harmed, my family had been harmed, my body had been harmed, my son had been harmed. I never felt like the harm came from God, but struggled to understand why he allowed that harm to happen. Truth be told, I still do, and always will. But some things we will never understand while we reside on this earth.
In the darkness I prayed for hope and a future. After we were told that there was no reason to not try again last July I worked on choosing a name for a baby that didn't even exist yet. I needed that hope to have a name, a name I could pray for. The meanings of names are important to us. Our Hackett Cannon was named after two dear friends who served our country on oversea tours during my pregnancy. Brave, selfless, courageous men. Men that we love, admire, and are so thankful for. It is an honor for our oldest to be named after them and what they represent. Koen Wayne. My sweet Koen's name means bold, courageous, honest counselor. He was so courageous as he faced death in my womb. He has made his mommy bold about her faith. My little honest counselor touches my heart every day and has taught me more about life and love than I ever knew possible. And now my Tobin Victor. Who was named in hope as a promise. My God is good champion has already lived up to his name and he hasn't even arrived yet.
The past few days I have been reflecting on what we have had to overcome to make it to this point. If you have followed our journey, you know the many obstacles we have faced. Too many to list again here. God has moved mountains to bring Tobin to 35 weeks. Tears run down my cheeks as I type because I am in awe. We are so close to his safe arrival. We learned yesterday that E. coli is no longer present in my bladder and I pray this is the last mountain that God needed to move. God has big plans, huge plans for our Tobin. Tobin who was conceived on our very first try. Tobin who has remained safe against all odds. Tobin who would not be here if not for our loss of Koen. I see now that God has made beauty from ashes. God had big plans for my angel too. I know He has big plans for my Hackett too and love watching it unfold. Our Lord has big plans for us all, even if they don't line up with what our plans are. He has a purpose for us. He has a hope and a future, even when we don't feel like there is any way that could possibly be true. He's got us. I am trusting that He's got us and that our hope and future will safely arrive in 11 days or less.
I am Jackie.