I have been reflecting this week as I have been on bed rest for eight weeks straight, three at the hospital and five at home. I was thinking of all of the little things I haven't been able to do in the last eight weeks, things that I typically take for granted. I am regulated to our main floor, except to shower every other day. I take simply moving around in my house and doing small tasks by myself for granted. I have had to sit while showering for eight weeks; standing in the shower and taking one every day is something I take for granted. Sleeping in my own bed next to Kevin is something I take for granted. Laying next to Hackett and tucking him in with bedtime snuggles is something I take for granted. While I was in the hospital I just missed the noises of home and the presence of my family; something I take for granted. Koen shifted my perspective on so many things in life and made me more thankful. Tobin has taught me to be thankful for the littlest of things. He has taught me to be patient. He has taught me how to slow down and stare out the window. When will I have the chance to do that again? I hope I take the time to slow down even after he arrives. I am thankful. I am thankful that Tobin has stayed put for eight weeks and that today I am 32 weeks pregnant.
About a week after Koen died, Hackett curled up on my lap and fell asleep. Not something that happens often anymore and I was thankful for that moment. Kevin took a picture and I noticed later that my milk was leaking, my body was aching for Koen, but I was thankful for my Hackett. Yesterday, Hackett fell asleep in my hospital bed. I had some music playing that we used to listen to when he was a baby and I was watching the rain fall. There I was laying with my biggest boy while my littlest was wiggling in belly. I laid there soaking in the moment. Thankful.
Hackett was feeling thankful yesterday too. He hasn't completed first grade - yet - but was already thinking about second grade. He asked me who would take him shopping for school supplies. I told him I would and that we only had about five weeks until Tobin's arrival. He seemed releived and excited, and finished getting ready for school. As he came down the stairs he said, "You know what mom? I am glad I didn't die like Koen did." I told him I thank God for that very same thing every morning, that he is my gift. He then told me, "I have been thinking the last few weeks about why I am on this earth and what God's plan is for me." My profound little man, who has been impacted by death at such a young age. It does make you pause, give you perspective. To be seven years old, grateful for your life and pondering life's purpose. God has big plans for my Hackett.
I shared with Hackett that God has a purpose for all of us. He wanted to know what my purpose is. I told him that right now my purpose is to be a good mommy, but that God often has different purposes for us that change throughout our lives. I told him that Koen's life had a purpose. Koen has helped mommy share Jesus with people. Hackett has me thinking about my purpose, when he arrived in my life it became complete. I was meant to be a mom. I still believe with all my heart that being a mom will be my biggest and most important role in this earth, but I believe God has more in store for me too. When we lived in California I spoke a few times at our MOPS group about some information I had learned on parenting, some based on experience, but much of it through reading. I have a heart for kids, and what greater way to help them than helping their parents? I felt God use me in that capacity, and I was blessed. I now feel The Lord urging me to write out my testimony, which has multiplied this year, and use my story to touch parents hearts and share Jesus. I am not sure where it will all lead, but I will trust. Like Hackett I will keep being thankful and look to fulfill my purpose in this life that I have so graciously been given.
I am Jackie.