Are you going to have three or is two enough for you?

Are you going to have three, or is two enough for you? This is what I was innocently asked yesterday while getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist. The dentist, where I haven't been able to get x-rays, because I have been pregnant (or possibly pregnant) at every one of my cleanings the last two years. How do I answer these sorts of questions? It seems to change with every situation. Maybe it will always be that way? Maybe I'll get more secure and strong with answering and including Koen? Maybe as time goes on, Koen will slip further away from conversation? The thought of that brings me to tears. He will never slip away from me, but right now anyone who knows me, knows about Koen. That may not be the case in 30 years. I don't know what that will look like.  I only know how I feel right now.  

I do know that I dread questions about how many kids I have. I also know that I am not alone in this, as I have had conversations with my other mommy friends who have experienced loss at all different stages. It is hard to get so personal with someone you are just meeting.  I have never been a fan of small talk with people I know I will never see again, and I dread it even more now. Kids seem to be the most commonly asked question. (It makes me feel for my girlfriends who don't have kids, who I am sure have to answer this question way too often). No matter how I answer the questions about kids, I can't win. If I say two, I feel like I am betraying Koen and it makes my heart sink, often making my eyes well up with tears. I can sometimes safely answer three, but there is almost always the follow up question regarding ages. If I say three, I have to be prepared for that and ready to share our loss.  Some days I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to share, I don't want to see the shock in the other persons eyes.  It is hard to watch how the person I am talking to handles that information.  The most common response is glassed over eyes that either change the subject, say something that some how trivializes Koen's life for me, or relate it to a loss in their life.  Its uncomfortable, for whoever I am talking to and me.  I am sure if I was on the other end of the conversation I would reply in the similar manner.  Its shocking, and as humans we want to quickly fill the space with words or pretend like we didn't hear it.  

When I do share about Koen, it is not because I am seeking sympathy, it is because he is my son, he is a part of my life.  So what is the most appropriate response?  I would just like someone to say "I am sorry for your loss" or "I am so sorry".  Even though I am not looking for sympathy I do want his life to be validated.  I am open to talking more about his life and story, so to me it is appropriate to ask me more questions, more appropriate than telling me about your sister-in-laws cousins story.  However, if my answers are short, then pick up on the cues that maybe today is not a day I want to talk or share.  It is also completely fine to move on to a different subject after you have acknowledged my loss.  We don't need to hover in that space and our conversation doesn't need to be consumed with Koen, just as it doesn't need to be consumed with discussing any one of our children.

In the medical world, I also have to answer questions about my kids.  Such sterile questions are part of my history.  I cannot even count how many times in the last year I have been asked how many kids I have, only to be followed by the question, "How many live births?". Koen is part of my life and kid count, medically speaking and in my every day life.  

"Are you going to have three or is two enough for you?"  
Even though we thought we would only have two, no, two is not enough.  I actually have three beautiful children, and together they are enough to fill my heart, I just wish I was able to fill my arms with all three of them as well.