Are we ready?
Are we ready to try again? How do you decide you are ready to potentially to have your heart shattered again? I don't like to think I am a pessimist, but more of a realist. The reality is they don't know how the bacteria made it all the way to Koen and penetrated my placenta. I could have ten more babies with no issue, or maybe there is something more that tests have not been able to shed light on. I have been clinging to hope, hope that I will only lose one baby, and that someday I will hold another breathing baby in my arms. If we make this leap of faith and lose another one, not only will my heart be shattered, but my hope as well.
I have not stopped taking my prenatal vitamins. They are a daily reminder of so much. What I have lost, what I fear, what I hope for. I purchased an ovulation kit this month. I am ready, but am I "ready"? It took us over six months to get pregnant with Koen and even that was hard for me to endure. The waiting and then for six months the negative result. You get kind of crazy when you are so baby focused. How will it be now? If I cried with each negative result when trying for Koen, will I now spiral even worse? I had spotting in the first few months with Koen and I remember laying in bed crying waiting for the doctor to call back. How will I be now?
Kevin worked this last weekend, so I went to church alone (Hackett was in his class). They took a few silent minutes for us to pray in the dim lit church. I stood in back, tears streaming down my face, pleading so admittedly with God to bless our family, to give me peace and faith, and for my body. I am praying that I am overcome with a peace that cannot be explained in the months ahead as we begin to step out in faith ...
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I am Jackie.