I am in awe. We have made it to the lofty goal that was given and seemed so unattainable at 24 weeks. We have made it to 35 weeks. In theory, Tobin "should" have the ability to breathe on his own at this point. The last 11 weeks have been a battle, a rollercoaster, a true test of strength, but we have made it.
I feel the battle of the last 11 weeks, the last 8 months, the last year and a half; and my body does too. I am spent. My blood pressure continues to be an issue and the meds I am on to treat it often give me headaches and just make me feel tired and yucky. I went in yesterday for another urine test and am anxious about learning if E. Coli continues to be present. I am hyper vigilant of Tobin's movements, as I no longer fear his arrival, but what may happen to him while he is in my body.
My truth is that I take responsibility for my body's shortcomings. My body failed Koen. I am thankful that Tobin and I have both had the fight in us, but I wish we didn't have to. I wish he didn't have to. I wish my long list of ailments didn't visibly scare the brand new resident at the hospital. I wish my file wasn't two inches thick at my doctors office. I wish my list of medicines wasn't so long. I wish I could move from my bed in the living room and be a wife and mother. I wish my cervix had remained strong and in tact. I wish I didn't have gestational diabetes - I can deal with the six finger pokes and five shots of insulin a day - but the increase risk to Tobin hurts my heart. I wish the fear of my blood pressure continuing to rise didn't threaten his safety. I wish I didn't have to battle urine infections. I wish I didn't intimately know how life in the womb can so quickly and quietly be taken. I am thankful that I don't dwell on these wishes for too long. Sometimes and somedays they weigh heavier than others, but my overwhelming gratitude for how far Tobin has made it trumps all. With Jesus holding me I have taken these blows one at a time, and have been able to mentally overcome them. Tobin has also taken these blows and fought through them. I am so proud of my fighter, battling through things that Mommy never intended him to.
Because I have gestational diabetes we run the risk of Tobin's lungs not being fully developed at this point, and possibly even at 37 weeks. It leaves us with big decisions to make. Hard decisions. Decisions that hurt my heart. We have had to decide to take Tobin at 37 weeks, a decision that my doctor and specialist fully support. My body has proven to not be a safe place. The concern is his lung development and we could do an amnio test to check on this status prior to delivery. There is risk involved in this, the scariest being infection. We have been debating this and have decided to trust. Trust that at 37 weeks our little fighter will be safe, trust that with the help of steroids he has been able to overcome the negative effects of my gestational diabetes, trust that we are making the right choice. I have a strong desire to have Tobin with my doctor performing the surgery, at the same hospital where Koen was born. I feel safe there, I trust them, I don't feel like another number. They know me, my history, and desire the happy ending for us. The downside is while they will be able to care for Tobin, if he has bigger issues they don't have the NICU support and he will need to be transported to Saginaw. In our hearts, Kevin and I feel like he is ready, that he is safe, that he will be okay. We have decided to not let the fear and what ifs scare us. We are trusting. I pray that on July 8th we will be holding our healthy little fighter - our little God is good champion in our arms!
How fitting that today in my Jesus Calling devotional it spoke of trust and holding God's hand. I will be holding onto the promise of this scripture:
You're my servant, serving on my side. I've picked you. I haven't dropped you. Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
Isaiah 41:9-10 (MSG)
Jesus I pray that you continue to hold us, steady us, and keep your firm grip on us!!! I praise you for doing this for 35 weeks!!!
I am Jackie.