I have felt shattered and emotionally spent the last few days. I miss being with Kevin and Hackett. The past few months I haven't been able to be an active participant, but I was home. I got to hear about Hackett's day, listen him pretend play, watch him have sword battles with Kev, and snuggle. I was able to laugh with Kevin and climb into our bed at night. Such simple things that I have been away from from 17 days, 17 long days.
At the same time it is 17 days that I am thankful for and I wasn't sure we were going to get when I was first admitted. As much as I am thankful, I am also worn. My hope was that I would go home and get my fill of all that love and laughter that feeds my soul. Learning that going home wasn't a smart choice, and that things had gotten worse, was a blow. Before I could recover from that I got the gestational diabetes diagnosis. We live our Tobin so much and want tondo whatever we can to keep him safe. On Monday, it will be the same gestional age of Koen's birth. He most likely died in my womb a day or two prior to my delivery and that makes this whole week difficult. On top of my fight for Tobin, I am still grieving Koen. It is a lot to process. A lot to cry about. When I am in this state the only person I want to talk to, cry to, and bare my soul to is Kevin. I get quiet. The realization that this is will be a battle until July has also set in. It will either be mommy fighting or Tobin. I hope and pray that I can do the majority of the fighting, but if Tobin does come early he will most likely be in the NICU until close to his due date. Three more months, when you are emotionally exhausted, seems like forever.
The nutritionist and diabetes consultant both came to talk to me today. I was frustrated yesterday when I didn't see them and I was trying to manage my sugar levels without any instruction. I feel better now that I am equipped with a plan and information. The diabetes consultant broke down in tears as I tearfully told her medicallywhat I was going through and my history. It is such a sad story. I can't wait for the sun to shine again.
My boys arrived today and brought some sunshine. Sunshine, diabetes friendly snacks, snuggles, and some giant cards from my high schoolers. My students sweet messages made me laugh and miss them. More room decorations! It took us the whole day to figure out, but my nurse today is the mother of one of my students! Then I had 45 minutes of pure snuggles in my hospital bed with my Hackett. Pure bliss! He just melted in and after said "that might even last me a few days". We both needed that, but I think I needed it more.frustrated