Celebrate the Sadness
  • Blog

A tough few days

4/25/2014

0 Comments

 

I have felt shattered and emotionally spent the last few days. I miss being with Kevin and Hackett. The past few months I haven't been able to be an active participant, but I was home. I got to hear about Hackett's day, listen him pretend play, watch him have sword battles with Kev, and snuggle. I was able to laugh with Kevin and climb into our bed at night. Such simple things that I have been away from from 17 days, 17 long days.

At the same time it is 17 days that I am thankful for and I wasn't sure we were going to get when I was first admitted. As much as I am thankful, I am also worn. My hope was that I would go home and get my fill of all that love and laughter that feeds my soul. Learning that going home wasn't a smart choice, and that things had gotten worse, was a blow. Before I could recover from that I got the gestational diabetes diagnosis. We live our Tobin so much and want tondo whatever we can to keep him safe. On Monday, it will be the same gestional age of Koen's birth. He most likely died in my womb a day or two prior to my delivery and that makes this whole week difficult. On top of my fight for Tobin, I am still grieving Koen. It is a lot to process. A lot to cry about. When I am in this state the only person I want to talk to, cry to, and bare my soul to is Kevin. I get quiet. The realization that this is will be a battle until July has also set in. It will either be mommy fighting or Tobin. I hope and pray that I can do the majority of the fighting, but if Tobin does come early he will most likely be in the NICU until close to his due date. Three more months, when you are emotionally exhausted, seems like forever.

The nutritionist and diabetes consultant both came to talk to me today. I was frustrated yesterday when I didn't see them and I was trying to manage my sugar levels without any instruction. I feel better now that I am equipped with a plan and information. The diabetes consultant broke down in tears as I tearfully told her medicallywhat I was going through and my history. It is such a sad story. I can't wait for the sun to shine again.

My boys arrived today and brought some sunshine. Sunshine, diabetes friendly snacks, snuggles, and some giant cards from my high schoolers. My students sweet messages made me laugh and miss them. More room decorations! It took us the whole day to figure out, but my nurse today is the mother of one of my students! Then I had 45 minutes of pure snuggles in my hospital bed with my Hackett. Pure bliss! He just melted in and after said "that might even last me a few days". We both needed that, but I think I needed it more.frustrated

Picture
Picture
Picture
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    I am Jackie.
    I am a child of the one true King.
    I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Kevin. 
    I am a mom to my three sons - Hackett, Koen (my little angel), and Tobin. 
    I am experiencing loss, heartache, and grief.  On May 27, 2013, at 26 weeks and 6 days I went into the hospital with contractions, only to learn that my Koen's sweet little heart had stopped beating.  
    Tobin was born July 8, 2014.
    I am on a journey . . .

    Archives

    May 2019
    April 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    September 2018
    July 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013

    Categories

    All
    How To Help Others
    Koen's Story

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Blog