I relive the day of Koen's birth on a daily basis. As I have been getting ready to share the rest of the story I am struggling. It's hard, it's so hard. Hard to share, hard to put into words, hard to face the reality. I am not ready to face the delivery room quite yet, but I am getting closer. One specific memory of my delivery I play over and over again. It is a memory that I will forever cherish. I am ready to share that.
On a day when our world was crashing in, we still were able to see God's hand. Many things went right on a day that was so wrong. Dr T, the doctor I had come to love and trust, was on call. Once he arrived at the hospital, he never left, he was going to see us through from beginning to end. Torrey, the nurse assigned to me when I arrived that morning, was such a blessing. She stood by my side with her tear stained cheeks and walked me through many of the hard decisions that day. The shift change was at 7 and Koen had not yet arrived. I kept asking her, "when do you leave?". She assured me she would make sure I had the best. A little after 7 that night Torrey walked in with my new nurse, Cindy. It was apparent that both had been crying. They were grieving for Koen and I was so thankful. They cared, they acknowledged Koen, they felt for my loss. I am eternally grateful for my doctor and those two nurses. Quitely I pray that I will have that same group of people by my side in the future and instead tears of sorrow, it will be tears of joy.
Cindy held my hand during delivery. Another nurse was brought in to assist my doctor during that time. Cindy was simply there for me. In a conversation prior to pushing we told her about Hackett and his curly hair. During my pregnancy Kevin and I would dream about what Koen would look like. One of our biggest wonders was would he have curly hair? We shared this with Cindy and she was unsure if we would get our answer to that question. My narrow pelvis made delivery a challenge, even though Koen was a little guy. I had to push for a while. At the beginning I felt strong, and I wanted to be done with this nightmare. As time progressed it became more difficult, both physically and emotionally. My strong pushes were turning into tearful ones. When Koen was crowning and I was nearing so close to the end, my sweet nurse Cindy gave me the memory that I will cherish. In part because it felt like something that would be said during a delivery where the outcome would have been different. Through the hair over the side of my face, she got right up to my ear, and whispered "he does have hair and he's beautiful". I don't know if I actually smiled, but I felt happy - even if was for a fleeting instant. It was enough for me to continue on with horror and pain.
I am Jackie.