A difficult day

I'm back and I feel uneasy about writing today.  I have so much whirling in my head, I don't know where to begin.  I am overwhelmed  I am struggling.  I am praying.

Today was a difficult day.  I had two different appointments.  One was to get my eyes tested and the other was a follow up with my OB/GYN.  Kevin came to my OB/GYN appointment with me and afterward he went to the funeral home to pay our bill.  There is something so innately wrong with that sequence of events.

My eye exam was originally scheduled for May 30th, just days after Koen's birth.  Kevin had called to cancel that week and gave a very general reason.  Knowing that if my life had continued on with Koen residing in my belly, neither of my appointments would be occurring today were flooding my thoughts.  I like my eye doctor, he is a cool guy who likes to chat and is a father of 3 boys.  During our conversation today he innocently said, "just wait until you have more kids".  My eyes welled up with tears, I stared at my lap and said "we were trying".  He was very empathetic as he learned that six weeks ago today I had a stillborn. 

I don't like the word stillborn.  It seems to dehumanize my Koen's existence on earth, but is a necessary word that is now part of my vocabulary.  I received paperwork from my maternal/fetal specialists office last week.  I looked at it long enough to see that I needed to check the "stillborn" box and put it away.  I am not ready to check that box yet, but sadly it is part of me and my medical history.

We met with Dr. T today to find out the results to more tests that were run six weeks ago.  What we were waiting for was the results to the genetics tests.  Praise God, those came back good.  We were able to get some more of our questions answered, but the reality is even though we medically know why Koen died our doctor is unsure as to how it actually happened.  (I will share more after we see the specialist in a few weeks and learn more.)  What we do know is it had nothing to do with Koen, he truly was perfection.  My body failed my precious, perfect, innocent baby.  The weight of this is so very heavy ...