My amazement continues. Our little Tobin is a fighter. Just when we think he's had enough, he settles back in. It has been 10 weeks since I was admitted to the hospital, 10 weeks since we learned he only had a 50 percent survival rate of being born at 24 weeks. Our little miracle.
It will be difficult to breathe easy until Tobin is safely nestled in our arms. This last week has been a difficult one, not only the hospitalization, but also because it is very reminiscent of the week before Koen's birth. I am dealing with the exact same infections and issues. It is scary, especially knowing that I am dilated, which would make it easier for the same infection to get to Tobin. I no longer fear Tobin's arrival, I know with the help of an outstanding NICU he will survive. I now fear the same silent killer that stole Koen from us. The infection that took him before my body responded. I am hyper vigilant about monitoring his movements. Yesterday, I woke up crying, struggling to shake my nervousness, until after my NST. My blood pressure was directly affected yesterday, too. By the grace of God, I have remained positive these past 10 weeks, but I am still human. I am a mommy concerned about the safety and health of my baby. I know firsthand how fragile life and pregnancy is, not having that innocence weighs heavy on both Kevin and I.
I have to remind myself that Tobin has made it farther than Koen, he is big and obviously strong, at my NSTs his heart rates look amazing and healthy, my infections are being combatted with medicine, my doctor (and his partner) know me and my history very well without having to open a file and are monitoring me closely, I am more vigilant, and God has carried us this far. I will continue to be thankful and trust that, if needed, God will have Tobin make his arrival before infection touches his body. 34 weeks has by far exceeded my expectations and I praise God for that!
I am Jackie.