Celebrate the Sadness
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Koen's birth

7/11/2013

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My contractions continued with great frequency.  I had been given Pitocin to assist in speeding up the delivery process.  I was given some sort of pain medication through my IV, but it was no longer cutting it.  I felt clueless in the whole labor and delivery process.  I made that clear to my nurse and doctor.  I never took any sort of birthing class when I was pregnant with Hackett, we knew he would be a C-section so we never bothered.  Koen was planned to arrive on August 22 via C-section.  The word epidural I was familiar with.  When I was done feeling the pain I asked for one of those. 

The epidural gave me relief from my physical pain.  My emotional pain also seemed to take a rest during this time.  I think the physcial demands being put on my body, combined with the drugs in my system, trumped my emotions.  It was necessary to put them on hold.  Time passed.  I was fully dilated, but had no urgency to push.  I couldn't feel anything, so they decided to dial back my epidural.  I started to shiver and my whole chest was shuddering, but I was still not feeling my contractions so my epidural was turned off.  The pain of my contractions returned.  My doctor asked me if I was ready to begin pushing.  How do I answer that question?  I didn't feel the need physically to push.  If I began pushing that would mean I would lose Koen.  I believe part of the peace I experienced that day was because I still had Koen.  Even though he was no longer there, he was still inside of me.  Making the decision to push, was making the decision to say goodbye.  I pushed for an hour and a half before my sweet little boy was born.  It was the most surreal experience.  Beautiful and heart wrenching. 
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    Author

    I am Jackie.
    I am a child of the one true King.
    I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Kevin. 
    I am a mom to my three sons - Hackett, Koen (my little angel), and Tobin. 
    I am experiencing loss, heartache, and grief.  On May 27, 2013, at 26 weeks and 6 days I went into the hospital with contractions, only to learn that my Koen's sweet little heart had stopped beating.  
    Tobin was born July 8, 2014.
    I am on a journey . . .

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