Koen's birth

My contractions continued with great frequency.  I had been given Pitocin to assist in speeding up the delivery process.  I was given some sort of pain medication through my IV, but it was no longer cutting it.  I felt clueless in the whole labor and delivery process.  I made that clear to my nurse and doctor.  I never took any sort of birthing class when I was pregnant with Hackett, we knew he would be a C-section so we never bothered.  Koen was planned to arrive on August 22 via C-section.  The word epidural I was familiar with.  When I was done feeling the pain I asked for one of those. 

The epidural gave me relief from my physical pain.  My emotional pain also seemed to take a rest during this time.  I think the physcial demands being put on my body, combined with the drugs in my system, trumped my emotions.  It was necessary to put them on hold.  Time passed.  I was fully dilated, but had no urgency to push.  I couldn't feel anything, so they decided to dial back my epidural.  I started to shiver and my whole chest was shuddering, but I was still not feeling my contractions so my epidural was turned off.  The pain of my contractions returned.  My doctor asked me if I was ready to begin pushing.  How do I answer that question?  I didn't feel the need physically to push.  If I began pushing that would mean I would lose Koen.  I believe part of the peace I experienced that day was because I still had Koen.  Even though he was no longer there, he was still inside of me.  Making the decision to push, was making the decision to say goodbye.  I pushed for an hour and a half before my sweet little boy was born.  It was the most surreal experience.  Beautiful and heart wrenching.