My contractions continued with great frequency. I had been given Pitocin to assist in speeding up the delivery process. I was given some sort of pain medication through my IV, but it was no longer cutting it. I felt clueless in the whole labor and delivery process. I made that clear to my nurse and doctor. I never took any sort of birthing class when I was pregnant with Hackett, we knew he would be a C-section so we never bothered. Koen was planned to arrive on August 22 via C-section. The word epidural I was familiar with. When I was done feeling the pain I asked for one of those.
The epidural gave me relief from my physical pain. My emotional pain also seemed to take a rest during this time. I think the physcial demands being put on my body, combined with the drugs in my system, trumped my emotions. It was necessary to put them on hold. Time passed. I was fully dilated, but had no urgency to push. I couldn't feel anything, so they decided to dial back my epidural. I started to shiver and my whole chest was shuddering, but I was still not feeling my contractions so my epidural was turned off. The pain of my contractions returned. My doctor asked me if I was ready to begin pushing. How do I answer that question? I didn't feel the need physically to push. If I began pushing that would mean I would lose Koen. I believe part of the peace I experienced that day was because I still had Koen. Even though he was no longer there, he was still inside of me. Making the decision to push, was making the decision to say goodbye. I pushed for an hour and a half before my sweet little boy was born. It was the most surreal experience. Beautiful and heart wrenching.
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I am Jackie.