My contractions continued with great frequency. I had been given Pitocin to assist in speeding up the delivery process. I was given some sort of pain medication through my IV, but it was no longer cutting it. I felt clueless in the whole labor and delivery process. I made that clear to my nurse and doctor. I never took any sort of birthing class when I was pregnant with Hackett, we knew he would be a C-section so we never bothered. Koen was planned to arrive on August 22 via C-section. The word epidural I was familiar with. When I was done feeling the pain I asked for one of those.
The epidural gave me relief from my physical pain. My emotional pain also seemed to take a rest during this time. I think the physcial demands being put on my body, combined with the drugs in my system, trumped my emotions. It was necessary to put them on hold. Time passed. I was fully dilated, but had no urgency to push. I couldn't feel anything, so they decided to dial back my epidural. I started to shiver and my whole chest was shuddering, but I was still not feeling my contractions so my epidural was turned off. The pain of my contractions returned. My doctor asked me if I was ready to begin pushing. How do I answer that question? I didn't feel the need physically to push. If I began pushing that would mean I would lose Koen. I believe part of the peace I experienced that day was because I still had Koen. Even though he was no longer there, he was still inside of me. Making the decision to push, was making the decision to say goodbye. I pushed for an hour and a half before my sweet little boy was born. It was the most surreal experience. Beautiful and heart wrenching.
The epidural gave me relief from my physical pain. My emotional pain also seemed to take a rest during this time. I think the physcial demands being put on my body, combined with the drugs in my system, trumped my emotions. It was necessary to put them on hold. Time passed. I was fully dilated, but had no urgency to push. I couldn't feel anything, so they decided to dial back my epidural. I started to shiver and my whole chest was shuddering, but I was still not feeling my contractions so my epidural was turned off. The pain of my contractions returned. My doctor asked me if I was ready to begin pushing. How do I answer that question? I didn't feel the need physically to push. If I began pushing that would mean I would lose Koen. I believe part of the peace I experienced that day was because I still had Koen. Even though he was no longer there, he was still inside of me. Making the decision to push, was making the decision to say goodbye. I pushed for an hour and a half before my sweet little boy was born. It was the most surreal experience. Beautiful and heart wrenching.
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