Today I am 28 weeks pregnant. Typing this sentence brings tears to my eyes. I was admitted to the hospital four weeks ago, tomorrow. What a shock that day was, and even more shocking was seeing the doctors concern for an early delivery. I didn't know if I would have Tobin that night, in which he would only have a 50 percent chance of just surviving. I was praying for one more week, then another week, and it was a dream to make it this far. 28 weeks. Thank you, Jesus. Tobin's chance of survival is high now, but still at risk for so much more.
On Sunday afternoon, I told Kevin, I am going to make it full term. It was the first time since being admitted that I thought that was even possible. But we have made it this far, and it is quite possible that if I make to to 31 weeks, that my pelvic structure will take over. If that happens it takes the pressure of carrying Tobin off of my cervix, and moms can often make it full term if that occurs. I have a very narrow pelvis, which has caused me issues in the past, but maybe just maybe, it is the blessing that I need.
With so much time to think, I sit and wonder. I could have had a very thin cervix while pregnant with Hackett and not known, because I was not under a microscope. Maybe this dream scenario occurred during my pregnancy without us knowing. Maybe Hackett is even more of a miracle than when already thought. Maybe with Koen my cervix thinned, and then I was dialated, allowing the infection in. The infection that seems to stump every doctor I have come in contact with this month. I am human, so I try to make sense of it all, but in truth we will never know the answers. But what I am really trying to do is find the hope I need to cling to. Even with our scary run to the hospital on Sunday, I am clinging to that hope and praying for more time.
I am Jackie.