... we had an angel instead

Some days I cruise along like nothing has happened and other days I ache.  Today was one of pain.  Yesterday, one of our dear friends had a baby ... a son, their second son.  I praised God for them.  I am so thankful that they are experiencing the joy instead of this empty hole of heartache.  But it has triggered my grief.  In my quiet moments today, during lunch and after I was done teaching, tears would strike.  They were pouring down my cheeks so quickly that before I could wipe them away I would hear them thud on my sweater.  

I had so much work to do today, yet I found it challenging to focus.  My students will be witnesses to that as the papers I corrected have scribbles all over them.  In my lack of focus, I continually made errors.  It seems once you fall back into that dark pit, the clouds just billow over you.  I was swarmed with sadness.  I am overwhelmed by new role as a teacher, and the great responsibility that goes with it.  Made even more evident by our lockdown drill today.  Not only do I impact their minds, but I am also responsible for their lives.  The weight of that feels awfully heavy on gloomy day like today.

Hackett came down with a fever after school.  My sweetheart wanted to be read to and snuggled.  He pulled some books from the bookshelf in the living room, not our typical reading spot.  One of the books he selected, that we have only read once before after receiving it as a gift from my dear friend, "We were gonna have a baby, but We had an angel instead" by Pat Schweibert.


Here is the story:
We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead.  My mommy had a baby in her tummy.  I was real excited about that most of the time.  I thought about playing ball with my baby.  And building a fort, and playing trick on our parents.  I loved to listen to the baby, and talk to the baby, and I really liked it when the baby would knock on Mommy's tummy to get my attention.  But something happened.  The Baby died.  Our baby is not going to live with us.  We are all sad right now.  Mommy sits in the rocking chair, holding the baby's blanket and cries a lot.  Daddy is building a box to put some of the baby's presents in.  Even Grandy and Pops wish the baby would have stayed.  I'm sad too, but I think they are sadder.  Grandy says the baby can always live in our hearts.  People send us flowers and cards, but we still miss our baby.  If this just happened to you, I'm sorry you got an angel instead of a baby.  I think having a baby would have been more fun.


With Kevin working second shift, it was just me and my little man.  Hackett saw my grief, and I explained it, reassuring him along the way.  He shared his desires for another baby.  Even through his fever he consoled his mama, not a role I want him to be in often, but tonight that is where we were.  His manner is so tender and genuine.  I told him what an amazing husband he will be someday.  We talked about what a gift he is and how I thank God for him every single day.  I wish that Hackett wouldn't have to read books like this and see his mom cry, but I have to pray that God uses this to shape his little heart.  How honored I am to have the gift of being both Hackett and Koen's mommy.