Something about the snow on the ground and Christmas in the air has me feeling sad. This is my favorite time of year, something I can't wait for. I thought I couldn't love Christmas any more and then it got even better when we had Hackett. This weekend I felt the familiar joy and wonder of the season approaching. Today I am in tears. I am rounding up things to decorate Koen's grave. Hackett and I picked out four tiny trees this weekend and today I bought some things for me to make decorations. I realized I am trying to make his trees look like ours. I want him to have our tree, to be in our home. I want him to open presents, smile at me with the glow of Christmas lights shining on his face, make cookies with me, color pictures, sing carols. How do I possibly create that at his grave? I have presents for Hackett and Tobin purchased already, but none for Koen. My mommy heart feels like I am betraying him. Christmas seems to now hurt my heart.
I am reminded of how empty I felt last year. Of the gaping hole in my heart. How I could not even decorate the tree. I just watched Kevin and Hackett; Hackett was filled with delight and it was all I could do holding it together for him. My pain and heartbreak was so raw last year. This year I don't feel as raw, but I am still hurting, still missing, still wanting. We have the most incredible and loved baby in our home now, but I am still missing my other baby boy.